This is another really good article. After reading through it, I’ve realized that I’m healing from a “deep cut”. Actually, it was a “deep cut” to an area that already had a “cut” that was probably infected, which just made the “deep cut” worse. That probably didn’t make sense to a lot of people, but, oh well. I’ve learned in this season of healing how important it is that we don’t try to cover up and try to self heal. We need to seek out others, not only in the church, but professionally as well. I know I’ll heal, I don’t know if the relationships affected by the “deep cut” will heal, but that’s in GOD’s hands and I just need to be obedient in how HE leads. I will say this, I realized tonight how thankful I am for the weird life that GOD has given me and for all the people in my life today.
Kenny LuckFounder, Every Man Ministries
Tough times happen. This world isn’t a cozy comforter. It’s more of a wet blanket that wants to wrap around you when you feel lost, defeated, rejected and discouraged. The world provides liquid “spirits,” drugs, fantasy women and images to soothe, but these only drag us down a path of destruction.
The Bible warns us in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble…” So it should be no surprise when we feel like we’ve been sucker punched in the gut with problems. Unfortunately, we are all damaged goods bringing past dirt and hurt to our lives and relationships, which can snowball in our minds and make matters worse.
How do we deal with the dirt and hurt?
Life offers a series of challenging events like experiencing betrayal by a loved one, losing a job, financial woes, or the death of a close friend or family member. These are the obvious ones we need to be prepared for, but what about the daily issues we struggle with:
- Anger outbursts
- Emotional avalanches
- Relationship confusion
- Communication gaffes
- Frustrating situations
- Compulsive behaviors
- Intense mental anguish
The first step is to have a relationship with Jesus. Knowing and following Him will be the foundation for dealing with dirt and hurt. Then, add a supportive group of men you can talk with. Lean on God with honest prayer because He listens and loves you more than we can imagine.
There are times and situations in relationships when you need to call in the cavalry, raise the white flag, give in, and ask for professional help. Counseling or therapy should be the norm, not rare. We ALL have baggage that can impact our decisions, emotions and behaviors. A good licensed counselor is like a good mechanic who pops open the hood to your life and does some re-wiring.
Unfortunately, men self-protect. We don’t want our problems aired out in front of others. We strive to protect our public image, but our image lies about what’s really going on deeper down. Our pride and fear result in pretending there’s nothing wrong. Too often, guys view getting counseling as a weakness, instead of being courageous.
Stop being resourceful and trying to apply a Macgyver fix. There’s no duct tape for your character. The longer you stay with the self-protecting image, the less real help you’ll get and your character defects get worse.
The humble choice to accelerate your growth is to forget about your image and get counseling from a professional who doesn’t care about your image.
When should you get professional help? Here is the spectrum I use to guide men:
- Scrape: If you have an emotional flesh wound, start by searching our site for teaching and then apply what you learn.
- Cut: If you have a deeper issue, perhaps a recurring problem or habit then use our site for guidance, but you may need to turn to other men who can listen and carry the burden with you.
- Deep Cut: This is a lingering problem, perhaps a fracture in the relationship and you’re not sure it’s repairable. When you have a deep cut, you would go to the emergency room, right? The same goes with a deep cut in your social, emotional and spiritual health. Time to get help immediately.
- Big Bleeder: This is serious trauma with lives on the line. Perhaps it’s marital trouble, dealing with divorce, or dangerous behaviors that are risking your livelihood. There’s no time to waste, find therapy fast.
There’s a great example of this in the story about Naman in 2 Kings Chapter 5. Naman was at the apex of his career. He was a highly regarded commander, valiant soldier and had money. But he also had to hide his spots from leprosy. So he did what any rich commander would do, he ordered healing immediately and paid generously for it.
Elisha told him what to do. But Naman’s pride didn’t want healing by washing in the dirty Jordan river seven times. Naman’s servants slapped him with the humbling obvious, telling Naman if he wanted to be healed, he would have to obey. Eventually Naman did as he was told, and received healing.
Here’s what we learn from Naman to deal with the dirt and hurt:
- Ask for help.
- Expose your hurt.
- Put your pride on the shelf. Healing requires humility and faith. (1 Peter 5:6)
- Be open to, and seek, the truth.
- Do the work. Knowledge demands action, otherwise it’s just like an unopened book sitting in your library.
The secret to change is doing something you don’t want to do in order to get the result you need.